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these are TESTS you MUST pass for AVOIDANT to CHOOSE you

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0hKw5CODkUU

The speaker claims avoidant partners run a set of often-subconscious "tests" before committing, and lists seven things they watch for; passing them signals you are safe to commit to.

Key points

  • Trust is the most common test and recurs even at deeper stages (e.g. before labeling or marriage). Examples: asking a favor, showing their finances, leaving money lying around or asking you to count it, or sharing a secret to see if you keep it private. Avoidants fear being taken advantage of, especially financially, since money signifies their independence.
  • Patience and tolerance: they watch how you handle delays, cancellations, or stress (e.g. a last-minute cancel from a high-stress job). They want calm, understanding communication; holding them accountable for repeat behavior is fine.
  • Support under pressure: when they fail or are at fault, dismissive types want "tough love" encouragement (you made a mistake, learn from it, fresh start tomorrow), not coddling like "it's not your fault, your boss is mean," which reads as patronizing.
  • Conflict resolution: they are also testing their own tolerance for you and thinking long-term, fearing failed relationships. They dislike yelling, blame, ultimatums, and avoidance of responsibility; they want listening and solution-seeking, and want to be held accountable too.
  • Respect for boundaries: respecting their space and emotional needs, and reacting calmly when they say they cannot give you something right now. Boundaries do change over time (the speaker rejects the idea that boundaries should never change).
  • Reaction to honesty: avoidants sometimes hide things fearing criticism. When they admit a flaw or say something blunt (e.g. "I think you're a little needy"), they watch whether you respond with understanding rather than treating it as rejection. You are allowed to be triggered, but respond with clarity and respect.
  • Emotional stability: they prefer calm over chaos (especially dismissive types) and watch whether you are composed vs reactive or explosive. Caveat noted: fearful-avoidant types leaning anxious may instead be drawn to chaos and unavailability due to childhood conditioning.