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Avoidant messaging examples

Example messages and letters pulled from the videos, grouped by source. These are the speakers' suggested scripts, not endorsed advice.

Reassurance when they shut down

  • "I see that you need some space right now, and that is completely okay. I am not going anywhere. Take all the time you need. I trust that when you are ready, you will come back to me."
  • "You do not have to explain yourself to me. I am not going anywhere. Just know that I am here whenever you are ready."
  • "I respect your need for space and I also need honesty about where we stand."

Source: Avoidants Hope To Hear THIS From You When They Shut Down (video)

Low-pressure texts to draw them in

  • "No pressure to respond, but I really enjoyed talking to you" - removes urgency and lowers their guard.
  • "I've been doing my own thing lately, it's been good for me" - signals independence, which the speaker says avoidants find attractive while clinginess repels them.
  • "I respect your space, just know I'm here if you want to talk" - shows you're neither abandoning nor chasing them.
  • "I like where this is going and I'm good to take things slow" - slow reads as safe, making them more likely to stay.
  • "Saw something that reminded me of you, made me smile" - light, warm, with no emotional demand attached.

Source: You don't get an avoidant to lean in by trying harder, you do it by removing the pressure they're (video)

Closure letter to an avoidant ex

The letter the speaker reads as an example (verbatim):

I've spent a lot of time thinking about everything that's happened between us. For a while, I wanted to understand what went wrong. I thought if I could get answers, it would hurt less. But now, I realize some people disconnect not because they don't care, but because closeness feels overwhelming. That doesn't make it okay, but it helps me stop taking it personally.

I did love you, and I tried hard to show up, maybe too hard. I lost myself in the process of trying to be enough for someone who wasn't ready. I'm learning to see myself more clearly now. Not through the lens of your silence or withdrawal, but through my own ability to heal.

I don't need anything from you. This isn't a request or a bridge back. It's just me choosing peace, choosing myself. I wish you the kind of growth I've been fighting for, quietly and without needing anyone to see it. I am here if you ever wanted to talk, but if you don't ever respond, I get it. I understand.

Take care.

Source: Writing to your avoidant ex can bring clarity, closure, and power back to you (video)

Boundary texts when an avoidant resurfaces

Scripts to send (or have saved) when an avoidant breaks no contact with a low-effort "breadcrumb". The advice across these clips: keep it short, do not mirror "I miss you", and make access require real intention.

  • "I'm open to talking, but I'm not interested in repeating old patterns."
  • "I've taken time to grow, so I'm only interested in something intentional and consistent now."
  • "It's good to hear from you. What's different this time?"
  • "I appreciate you reaching out, but unless you want a real conversation about what happened and where we stand, I need to keep some space."
  • "Casual check-ins don't feel good for me; if there's something meaningful you want to discuss I'm open, otherwise I'm moving forward."
  • "Good to hear from you. Not interested in small talk, but I wish you well."
  • "I'm not interested in casual reach-outs; if you want a real conversation, I'm open -- otherwise, I wish you the best."
  • "Breadcrumbs don't work for me anymore. If you want to talk, show up fully, not occasionally."
  • "I'm open to communication, but not available for hot-and-cold energy. Let me know when you're clear."
  • Forcing clarity / putting the labor back on them: "Hey, I got your message. What are you reaching out for?" / "What made you reach out? You good?" / "What are you hoping to get out of this conversation?"
  • Playful: "Hop in with more crumbs next time."
  • Redirection: "Glad to hear from you. If you want to actually catch up, let me know when you're free."

Sources: Save these to your notes ... (video) / 4th option, don't respond to a breadcrumb (video) / Any of these three are ok (video) / 4 options for when your avoidant comes in with a breadcrumb (video) / 5 responses when an avoidant sends a breadcrumb text (video) / And a bonus option for if you want to engage (video)

Boundaried reply to a genuine reach-out

When the contact is a real bid (not a breadcrumb), but you want to keep a boundary:

  • "I'm willing to talk, but only if there's something meaningful to discuss."
  • "I don't know if I'm ready for a conversation yet." (honest but guarded)
  • "I've had time to think and reopening this isn't something I'm open to right now; I wish you the best." (closed door)

Sources: They always come back ... what do you do when they do? (video) / And a bonus option for if you want to engage (video)

What a genuine bid sounds like (recognize, do not send)

The speakers' examples of a real reach-out from an avoidant, as distinct from a breadcrumb - each names accountability or asks for your time, and needs only a yes/no:

  • "I've been thinking about everything and I'd like to have a conversation."
  • "I've been thinking about you -- can we talk about what happened?"
  • "I realize I hurt you by pulling away and I want to understand how you felt."
  • "I want to see if we can rebuild -- can we go to dinner this week?"
  • "I think we should talk. Can we meet up?"
  • "I've been reflecting on us. Would you be open to talking about what happened?"
  • "I miss what we had. Do you think we could try again?"

Sources: They always come back ... what do you do when they do? (video) / 3 real examples and what to look out for from your avoidant ex (video) / genuine bids ask for your time (video)