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yes, AVOIDANTS do WITHDRAW from someone they LOVE

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21QGvgcGHkQ

A therapist (working mainly with dismissive and fearful-leaning-dismissive avoidants) lists common partner behaviors that trigger an avoidant to withdraw, framed as advice for partners of avoidants.

Key points

  • Avoidance is rooted in childhood: high expectations plus being discouraged from showing feelings (be the tough one, the oldest, don't cry), or an over-emotional/personality-disordered parent who left the child no room for their own emotions. They are reinforced for putting feelings away.
  • Avoidants already feel flawed and have heard "you're a robot," "you're cold," "you're detached" from family and past partners. They didn't ask to be this way and don't know why they are.

Behaviors that make an avoidant withdraw

  • Implying they are wrong, defective, or flawed ("what's wrong with you," "you're too sensitive," "you're selfish") repeats the message that tells them they should be alone, opening the door to their exit.
  • Micromanaging or explaining step by step how something should be done (even sending an instructional or "fix yourself" video) reads as not trusting their decisions and trying to change them.
  • General lack of respect: pushing your own attachment style/coping method onto them instead of accepting theirs (e.g. interrupting how they decompress after a hard day to make them eat healthy, open windows, talk it out right now). Their method is not a sign they don't care.
  • Constantly bringing up an issue without accepting their answer. If they say no (e.g. wanting to be alone Christmas Day), respond with "okay, what about this?" and compromise rather than re-arguing the same point.

  • Not acknowledging their feelings as valid, instead labeling the emotion as "defensive" or as their attachment style; e.g. demanding accountability for something they say they didn't do for the reason you assume.

  • Closing framing: both partners must continuously adjust; the speaker says she is not blaming the avoidant's partner, who is trying their best.