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when an AVOIDANT tries to make you JEALOUS

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HlKKpoZQ18

The speaker claims fearful avoidants (more than dismissives) deliberately try to provoke jealousy to test the relationship, and frames this as unhealthy behavior to address, not romance.

Key points

  • Speaker stresses making someone jealous is not healthy or a sign of care; it breaks trust and damages relationships.
  • This is mainly a fearful-avoidant behavior. Dismissive avoidants do it less, usually to push you away or pressure you to break up so they avoid initiating the conflict. Anxious-preoccupied do it too.

Signs they are doing it

  • Bringing up other people in front of you, often the same gender as you (romantic interests, admirers); exaggerating attention received; showing you an ex's text rather than just ignoring/deleting it.
  • Public displays of interest: posting happy photos doing things without you, in groups of the opposite sex, or wearing an outfit they know you dislike where you will see it; flirting with others in your presence or online.
  • Excessive, performative boasting about gifts, achievements, or fun had without you, to gauge your reaction.

Why they do it (speaker's claims)

  • To test their own feelings (does this make them feel bad / does it show they like you).
  • To see if you will fight for the relationship and show care; this often backfires, after which the fearful avoidant may beg you back, revealing it was a game.
  • To temporarily regain control when they feel you pulling away.
  • To line up a replacement ("monkey branch") so they do not feel the pain if you leave first.

How to address it

  • Ask whether you could tolerate this continuously if they never change.
  • Raise it directly without shaming them (embarrassment is why many do not change); note their reaction: defensive/in denial vs. taking accountability and admitting a pattern.
  • Watch for real, sustained change: how long it would take, whether progress holds or cycles backward, and whether you must keep prompting them. At some point they must own it themselves.