Skip to content

how AVOIDANT acts when they feel GUILTY they HURT YOU

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vIp7IQqq2M

The speaker, a therapist, claims guilt makes an avoidant act defensively rather than uncaring, and that the behaviors differ depending on whether the avoidant is unhealed or actively healing.

Key points

Unhealed avoidant (six behaviors)

  • Avoids the topic or gets irritated when it comes up; the irritation is aimed at their own discomfort, not at you.
  • Downplays what happened ("you're exaggerating, I don't cancel that much") as a subconscious defense mechanism; counter it with calm logical facts, do not take the bait.
  • Makes excuses ("only because you're difficult / I was tired"); more common in fearful avoidants, who carry an anxious side.
  • Makes promises to change (or begs to get back together) that break once the guilt fades; more animated in fearful avoidants, who feel the abandonment trigger.
  • Tries to rewrite reality / a form of gaslighting ("that didn't happen, you're remembering it wrong"); driven by fear of control plus guilt. Said to be uncommon overall.
  • May abruptly break up when guilt feels unmanageable (seen more in dismissive avoidants); the speaker suggests reassuring them you can handle the hurt and are not angry.

Healing avoidant

  • Apologizes sincerely (not a performative show) and often asks to be held accountable over time.
  • Explains what happened to add clarity, not to excuse; the tell is they stay open to questions and are not defensive (e.g. "I haven't been in a relationship in 10 years, I'm used to being on my own").
  • Makes visible effort to change that is gradual, slow, and permanent rather than a grand gesture that snaps back.
  • Asks for or wants some recognition of their improvement ("I hope you're proud / that you see I'm working on it") - framed as a sign of commitment, said to be specific to avoidants.