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Why Most Avoidants Come Back After They Lose You

Channel: Chris Seiter
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38BtBCZmgRw

Seiter lays out his "black hole theory": avoidants turn secure partners anxious, then activate a built-in escape hatch, and later idealize a "phantom ex," which is why they often come back.

Key points

  • Stage 1: Secure partners become anxious. From 2021 client polls, most clients believed their ex was dismissive avoidant and that they themselves were anxious, but only after first saying they "used to be secure." He suspects a chicken-and-egg dynamic rather than avoidants simply being drawn to anxious people.
  • Stage 2: The attachment battle. A secure partner (green) and avoidant partner (gray) collide: the avoidant retreats, the secure tries to close the gap, the avoidant pushes back. Three outcomes: secure becomes anxious (avoidant "wins"), avoidant becomes secure (rare), or secure gets fed up and leaves.
  • Stage 3: The self-fulfilling cycle. Using his "avoidant death wheel," he argues stages 3-4 are misread: the partner's anxiety was caused by the avoidant, yet the avoidant treats that anxiety as proof to bolt, an "escape hatch."
  • Stage 4: Grass-is-greener and the phantom ex. Citing the book "Attached" (p. 124) and Free to Attach, avoidants idealize past partners once they are unavailable and deactivation isn't triggered. He claims the "phantom ex" is a Frankenstein composite of the best parts of all past partners, used as a deactivation strategy against new partners.
  • A "perfect" relationship for an avoidant is often one already doomed, because the risk of real commitment is gone.
  • He closes by defending avoidants, comparing them to a bird born in a cage too afraid to fly: they long for connection but fear vulnerability. They can change, but only by doing the work themselves; no amount of love can fix someone unready.

Reception

  • Very high engagement; sentiment is largely critical of avoidants while crediting the analysis as accurate.
  • The top comment stresses avoidants are not responsible for their trauma's origin but are responsible for the trauma they inflict; many agree they must take accountability.
  • Strong agreement with the "secure becomes anxious" claim, with multiple commenters saying they entered secure and lost themselves.
  • Pushback against the sympathetic framing: several call defending people who break healthy partners "wild," likening them to addicts who must want to change.
  • A self-described former severe avoidant and the self-identified "phantom ex" both validated specific points, the latter affirming the phantom is a composite no one can ever satisfy.