Skip to content

5 Reasons Avoidants Can't Get Over You (No Matter What They Say)

Channel: Chris Seiter
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VNFpjNyPyc

Seiter argues that dismissive avoidants are wired in five ways that prevent them from fully moving on after a breakup, even when they appear unaffected.

Key points

  • Broken bone theory. Drawing on the book "Attached" (Levine and Heller, ~p.209), he says breakup pain registers in the brain like physical pain. Anxious types feel it immediately; avoidants suppress and delay it, then later romanticize peak moments (the peak-end rule) and forget the bad. This only fires if the partner gives enough space, which is why he frames the no contact rule as the trigger.
  • Biochemistry keeps them hooked on your dopamine. Citing a viewer comment, he claims avoidants feel oxytocin then have cortisol kick in, pushing them to pull away; their "drug of choice" is dopamine from attention and the chase. The specific dopamine pattern shared with you leaves an imprint that is hard to replicate.
  • The Frankenstein ex. Avoidants idealize a "phantom ex," but he argues it is a composite stitched from the best traits of all past partners, an unattainable standard no new person can meet, keeping a piece of you in their narrative permanently.
  • Seeing them without their cloak. Using "500 Days of Summer," he describes the "magician's cloak" facade; the rare moment an avoidant drops it and shares deep vulnerability ("I've never told anyone this") leaves a lasting imprint.
  • Emotional time capsule effect. Via state-dependent memory and his "avoidant death wheel" (8 stages of relationship and breakup), he claims the cycle keeps returning avoidants to the emotional state where your memory is stored.

Reception

  • Many self-identified avoidants and partners found it accurate; one avoidant said it "really hit home" and prompted self-work.
  • A dominant theme was "not worth it" -- multiple high-liked comments urge people to leave avoidants alone, let them go, and stop trying to fix them.
  • Several shared stories of avoidant exes returning multiple times, or breaking down emotionally only after distance (panic attacks, blurted "I love you").
  • Some called the described behavior narcissistic or sociopathic.
  • A few pushed back: one argued anxious partners do not lack discipline but react to uncommunicated sudden withdrawal.