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traits AVOIDANTS look for before COMMITTING

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-OZDHdZog0

The speaker, a therapist who works mostly with avoidant clients, lists six traits she says avoidants look for in a partner before they will commit. She claims avoidants are far more particular than other attachment styles, which makes their eventual commitment very strong.

Key points

  • Understanding without nagging: They want a partner who respects their need for space (e.g. lets them decline a social outing rather than pressuring them). They are heavily criticized by exes, parents, society, and themselves, so feeling understood matters most. The speaker calls this the strongest driver for an avoidant to commit.
  • Accountability: Avoidants read being held accountable as a sign of trust and respect; not holding them accountable reads as distrust. Bring up a broken commitment calmly and curiously ("you normally tell me, is everything ok?") rather than blowing up their phone. Wanting to be held accountable is a sign an avoidant is starting to love you.
  • Financial responsibility: Avoidants fear being taken advantage of and want a partner who is also financially responsible. Many like to work (it regulates their mood) and save heavily, sometimes well-off while living modestly. They do not need you to match their wealth, just to not be a financial drain.
  • Emotional safety: They need to share emotions or vulnerabilities without being mocked, dismissed, or having it thrown back at them in a fight. Weaponizing something they confided can make them shut down and take a long time to reopen.
  • Support their ambitions: Avoidants value being ambitious; back their goals (with constructive questions, not blind praise or crushing the dream). A partner who cannot support this will not work long-term.
  • Calm demeanor when they are triggered: Like anxious types, avoidants want reassurance and a partner who stays steady and unprovoked when they "crash out."