Skip to content

5 Things Avoidants Feel When You Use No Contact

Channel: Chris Seiter
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FBRxzjY-7Q

Seiter argues that when you go no contact, avoidants feel five hidden, less obvious reactions beneath the surface, drawing on his "core wound" and "avoidant death wheel" frameworks plus personal anecdotes.

Key points

  • He frames each insecure attachment style as having a "core wound" or crack in the foundation: anxious fear abandonment, dismissive avoidants fear losing independence, fearful avoidants have both.
  • 1. The freedom hangover. Your sudden absence first brings relief and regained freedom (his "recess" stage 6), but with stages 7 and 8 the silence turns heavy and hollow, forcing them to sit with avoided feelings.
  • 2. Regret plus digging their heels in. Citing a self-described ex-avoidant from Reddit, he describes a pendulum swing: "oh god what have I done" regret, then pride/fear and self-protection, then "I made the right choice, let's withdraw." Without conscious work they stay stuck in the cycle.
  • 3. A subconscious need to punish you. Anger disguises vulnerability; avoidants express it passive-aggressively through silence, hoping you feel the sting. He recounts a 2008 breakup at 19 where he refused to text first so his ex "needed to suffer."
  • 4. A confrontation fantasy. Avoidants daydream about bumping into you in a scenario where they come out on top. He describes nearly staging a school run-in with his ex, then getting cold feet, realizing he was not over the breakup.
  • 5. Falling out of love versus deactivation. He says most comment disputes boil down to whether the avoidant truly fell out of love or simply deactivated. His take: they often loved deeply but love felt suffocating, so distance reflects their wounds, not your worth.

Reception

  • High engagement and strongly negative sentiment toward avoidants; many commenters say no justification exists for disappearing and that the outcome resembles dating a narcissist.
  • A widely-liked comment urges anxious people to find a secure partner; the writer reports zero attachment anxiety after leaving her ex for a communicative new partner.
  • Several recount their own no-contact wins and pride at not chasing, while others share painful timing (left during a grandfather's death, a cancer diagnosis).
  • Some self-identified avoidants and anxious viewers say the personal anecdotes hit home and prompted self-reflection about their own avoidant tendencies.
  • A recurring theme: stop trying to win avoidants back; "loved you too much" resonated as the reason for sudden withdrawals.