The Strange Conflict Avoidants Feel When You Are the One

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TrrR9elyYY

The speaker claims avoidants weighing whether you are "the one" feel two overlapping emotions in conflict: you bring them peace, and they fear the loss of that peace if you leave. Resolving this is how they decide to commit.

Key points

• The internal conflict is "wanting you" versus "fear of losing you." It may resolve in a second, take time, or play out subconsciously, and they often will not tell you it is happening.

What constitutes peace

• Your presence: simply being next to them (watching football, waiting at the deli counter).
• Your ability to take accountability simply ("I messed up, I'm working on it") without spiraling into self-blame, which avoidants find draining.
• A low (not zero) frequency of disagreements: pick your battles and time them well, e.g. do not raise a minor grievance during a stressful pre-holiday stretch.
• Being there for a long time. Long tenure signals you are their peace, since avoidants (especially dismissive ones) do not hold onto people they do not want.

What constitutes fear of loss

• Expressing what you want logically and without ultimatums, so they cannot lie to themselves that withdrawing carries no cost.
• Giving them space while still maintaining presence and not abandoning the relationship.
• Having your own source of happiness outside the relationship so it carries less pressure.
• Accepting both partners' shortcomings without denial; imperfection is treated as part of acceptance.
• Acknowledging their efforts, which builds commitment and makes them feel that acknowledgement would leave with you.