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Therapist explains: doing THIS ATTRACTS the AVOIDANT

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ypZEuN0kW4

The speaker, a therapist, claims that when an avoidant partner pulls away it usually has nothing to do with you, and that you can draw them back by giving them what THEY recognize as love rather than what feels like love to you.

Key points

  • Avoidants often pull away as a relationship deepens (e.g. after moving in) because closeness triggers a childhood-learned cue that love requires shutting down; their distancing is a maladaptive strategy, not a verdict on you.
  • During dating, avoidants may "put on a show" not to trick you but out of embarrassment at who they really are; the loss of mystery and inability to keep performing can trigger withdrawal.
  • The speaker frames re-attracting an avoidant as healing, not manipulation; it works best when trust already exists and you are still communicating (harder after a breakup).

Common misconceptions

  • You try to rekindle using methods familiar to YOU (losing weight, revealing clothes, initiating more), which floods the avoidant with emotion they don't understand and pushes them further away.
  • Their acts of love (changing your tire, "I'm not affectionate but I'm trying") go unrecognized by you, and yours by them; he shuts down, she confronts, the dynamic spirals.
  • Analogy: selling a TV, you pitch what the buyer wants, not what you want; apply the same to love, give the partner the kind of connection they actually need.
  • One patient said compliments feel "unnecessary"; what he wanted was for her to respect what he tells her (e.g. that he is trying), not reciprocal praise.

Techniques to attract them back (meet in the middle)

  • Be more independent: nurture your job, health, and hobbies so the avoidant reads your space as normal love (anxious partner with few hobbies misread his nights out as cheating).
  • Stand up for yourself without being demanding (text example: "I can't handle you canceling, let's figure out how to meet in the middle").
  • Use logic over emotional venting: name the problem as a team ("what can we do to stop this?") rather than "why are you always canceling, I hate avoidants."
  • Communicate directly, not indirectly (man sat far away "pouting" for weeks hoping she'd notice; she had no clue; asking to cuddle would have worked).
  • Let the avoidant take some control of the relationship and meet halfway on their terms too.
  • Nurture who they are rather than trying to change them (a mother who constantly insulted her avoidant ex-husband and son drove the son to cut her off).
  • Recognize there is no single "normal"; learn from each other (avoidant learns consistency, anxious learns to value small gestures).
  • Pay attention to what your partner repeatedly asks for; a couple split partly because she would not accommodate his early schedule despite his recurring requests.
  • Don't constantly compare yourself to other couples or measure only by milestones; value what you have built together.