Skip to content

THIS creates DEEP ATTRACTION for an AVOIDANT

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7l68fErYXLo

A therapist's claims on how to build deep, stable attraction in a relationship with an avoidant: both partners adjust their triggers, communicate, and stop comparing to other couples. Deep attraction is framed as two people who find each other valuable enough for continuous effort.

Key points

  • Avoidants (especially dismissive) suppress their needs and aren't fully aware of what they want; they take long to commit and subconsciously test partners, so their side of the relationship is a mystery to both people.
  • A healthy relationship is described as stable, consistent, and calm; intense feelings stabilize into security rather than the extreme fear of loss.
  • The avoidant must be willing to compromise a little, including voicing what makes them uncomfortable instead of shutting down and expecting the partner to guess (the same behavior avoidants resent in others).

Work on opposing triggers around timelines

  • Anxious-preoccupied want commitment fast (a deadline proves lovability); avoidants want to protect space and freedom. Each should lean slightly the opposite way: avoidant leans in, anxious leans out.
  • Same pattern shows up in time spent together, frequency, and texting habits; readjust as the couple learns each other.

Understand how avoidants express triggers

  • Avoidants share their side harshly ("you're being annoying," "I'm really irritated"); this means "I can't handle this right now," not malice.
  • Common avoidant dislikes: repetition, the same fight rehashed, nagging, and being interrupted for affection while busy or decompressing.
  • When upset, avoidants say things they don't mean; weight what they say when calm more heavily. They likewise dismiss the partner's upset words as "just emotional."
  • Claim: if an avoidant stays, talks, and shares feelings, they like and are attracted to you; they don't tolerate much. (Speaker stresses this is not a reason to accept mistreatment.)

Independence and interdependence

  • The partner being more independent strongly helps connection. Independence means managing your own feelings and having a life outside the partner, not ignoring them; being 100 percent independent hinders growth.
  • Practical tip: schedule a recurring solo moment (e.g. Sunday morning at a cafe) the way avoidants block out time for themselves.
  • Avoidants should practice leaning in a little: tell the partner briefly what is bothering you and that you need quiet time, so they don't take withdrawal personally and a fight doesn't erupt.

Don't compare to other relationships

  • Outside opinions and other couples create pressure; lean into who your partner is, not who they could be, and set boundaries on others' input.
  • Avoidants comparing their partner to a more compliant friend's spouse are seeing tunnel vision; they don't see behind closed doors or the effort (e.g. attention given) that produced that outcome.
  • Closing claim: love is also learning each other through communication.