I didn't shut down to hurt you

Channel: Mack Herman
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vxcSx59bPw

An avoidant explains that shutting down is a nervous-system survival response, not indifference -- conflict felt like rejection, and distance felt safer than vulnerability.

Key points

• When conflict arose, the avoidant's nervous system heard "you're failing / you're not enough" and defaulted to protective distance rather than engagement.
• Stonewalling (what the partner calls it) is experienced internally as survival -- the avoidant lacked emotional language and confused conflict with rejection.
• Silence became the default because no one ever modeled how to repair; the avoidant wanted to stay but did not know how to regulate and remain present at the same time.