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The Tests Avoidants Use to Choose a Life Partner

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81VSdPkpVZs

A therapist argues that avoidantly attached people subconsciously "test" partners early on to see if they will be hurt or lose their independence, and offers scripted responses to three common test phrases so you can reassure them without applying pressure.

Key points

  • The tests are driven by fear of vulnerability, commitment, and losing independence. They are mostly subconscious, so you cannot call the avoidant out - they will deny it. They happen most in the early stages.
  • You can "fail" a test even with good intentions, because the avoidant perceives pressure you are not actually applying. The stated goal of the framing is to help viewers pass and move the relationship forward.

Test 1: "I don't want a relationship" / "we're just friends" (even when it behaves like one)

  • This label reduces the pressure of commitment for you, not them - the word "relationship" makes them feel they must live up to an expectation they fear you have.
  • If they want a situationship but you want exclusivity, say something like "that's fair, I at least want to be exclusive - are you seeing anyone else?" to open the conversation without naming it a relationship.
  • If they insist you are "just friends," respond that you value the bond and would not want to pressure it. Putting the emphasis back on their pressure-wound builds their self-awareness.
  • Do not stay stuck here for years. Whatever your timeline, you should see progress from point A to point B - e.g. the language shifting from "friend" to "special person I deeply care about." That shift means you passed.

Test 2: "I don't get attached to people" (usually said when triggered, not in a good mood)

  • Some avoidants know they only say this when angry. If you are close/long-term, gently challenge it by pointing to their other attachments ("why do you text your brother daily?") and frame attachment as a positive, healthy trait so the word stops feeling bad.
  • Early on, respond with "I appreciate that, and I'll keep it in mind" so they do not feel pressured.
  • Later they may deny ever saying it. You can ask, "is it possible you sometimes say things you don't mean when upset?" - such conversations can build awareness.

Test 3: "I don't miss people"

  • Reframe the question to something less vulnerability-laden: "do you feel my absence?" or "will you be happy to see me again?" is easier for them to answer honestly.

Reception

  • Mixed. Supporters (several regulars, "you're always so helpful, Anber") value the channel; the host defended keeping it dedicated to avoidant attachment after a couple of commenters said the topic had gotten boring.
  • The most-liked substantive comment (Matt Gilbert) pushed back that this risks "walking on eggshells" and enabling - the avoidant must eventually confront their own fear rather than have the partner do all the accommodating; the host partly agreed while stressing real dynamics are more complicated.
  • A recurring hardline camp said to just walk away from anyone who tests you rather than wait years, warning the "just friends" advice keeps you a friendzoned backup (Leoo117's high-liked comment). One noted rewiring an avoidant nervous system takes years of therapy, not a challenging conversation.
  • A separate thread reframed testing as universal female behavior for mate-selection (tedwilson1477), drifting from the video's attachment-theory framing.
  • Several shared personal stories ("he said 'i do not chase' early on and he meant it"), and a few comments were just remarks on the host's appearance.