Skip to content

Secure People Use THIS To Make Avoidants Stop Running (And Stay)

Channel: Chris Seiter
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hIyeIahaAk

Seiter proposes that secure people keep avoidants from running through "mirror neurons" and "secure contagion," but warns that chasing this outcome is a dangerous game and the real goal should be your own stability.

Key points

  • He reframes a success story's talk of "energy" as mirror neurons: rather than radiating a magical aura, she modeled secure behavior her avoidant partner subconsciously mirrored.
  • Mirror neurons fire when we act and when we observe others act (like feeling a movie's emotions); projecting calm and security can unconsciously influence a partner's state.
  • Secure contagion is the ripple effect of emotional regulation: avoidants are drawn to stable, low-pressure environments, so secure energy creates the safety they unknowingly crave, while anxious energy drives them away.
  • He stresses this is not a magic fix: avoidants run because of deeply ingrained childhood-rooted fears, and relying solely on projecting security can create an unhealthy dynamic where you take all the blame.
  • He recounts how the channel's messaging shifted from "get your ex back" (2015) to attachment theory (2020) to helping people understand avoidants and their own security (2024).
  • Mirror neurons work both ways: the avoidant push-pull cycle can erode even a secure person's stability and make them anxious; big decisions shouldn't be made while in the thick of that cycle.
  • He describes a "counter cycle": focusing on your own stability intrigues them and draws them in, but the negative cycle will tempt you back, and giving in incentivizes the avoidant to keep tempting you. The success story he cites ultimately let her returning exes go.

Reception

  • Mixed; the most-liked comments push back on the premise, arguing secure people see avoidants and run rather than work to keep them.
  • A detailed top comment frames the advice as aimed at anxious people told to "act secure" to get an avoidant back, calling that a recipe for unhappiness and saying responsibility should sit with the avoidant.
  • Several secure commenters report they did the opposite of staying: they left when needs went unmet, disputing that secure people keep avoidants around.
  • A former-anxious viewer says becoming avoidant himself to cope left him missing his old, more alive self.
  • Some found it validating or appreciated the voice and art direction; a few said the channel plays on viewers' hopes and that finding a healthy partner is the better path.