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Avoidants Always Spiral When You Accidentally Do THIS

Channel: Chris Seiter
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90iFik_p6mk

Seiter uses a Jenga-tower metaphor to argue that avoidants are held together by layered emotional blocks, and that ordinary intimacy can accidentally trip a "core wound" block and trigger collapse (shutdown, ghosting, a relationship-ending fight). He suggests building "shared blocks" so the partner becomes essential to any rebuild.

Key points

  • Three block types. Surface blocks (slow texting, vague plans, deflecting with jokes) are decoys that can be removed without consequence. Middle/structural blocks are unspoken rules ("if someone sees the real me, they'll leave"; "vulnerability equals weakness"). The core wound block is "I must protect my independence above all else, or I lose myself."
  • Accidental triggers. Healthy moves -- saying "I love you" first, deep vulnerability, asking nothing in return -- are terrifying to an avoidant because they remove identity-holding blocks. Tripping the core wound causes a usually silent collapse, often a manufactured fight.
  • The rebuild cycle. After collapse the avoidant rebuilds the tower alone, secretly wanting someone who can play "Jenga" gently without flinching, yet the architecture guarantees repeated collapse across all relationships, not just romantic ones.
  • Speak their language of silence and space. He cites Reddit avoidants who say space brings "relief" and lets them return "more loving and energized," so he advises mirroring their distance rather than overcrowding.
  • Tactical empathy. He invokes Chris Voss ("Never Split the Difference") -- understanding feelings to increase influence, without agreeing or trying to fix them.
  • Shared blocks. Converting their solo blocks into shared ones (trust, emotional equity) means that when the tower falls, only the partner can help rebuild it -- the moment an avoidant may finally let someone stay.

Reception

  • Sentiment skews strongly negative toward staying with avoidants; the most-liked comments call it not worth the effort and advise avoiding them outright.
  • Many found the dynamic exhausting and unfair, objecting that the loving partner is left "waiting" while the avoidant recharges, and several likened the collapse to narcissistic collapse.
  • A common counter-strategy in comments: when they pull back, pull back and do not return; mirror the space until the connection dies.
  • Some shared healing stories (months of inner work, no longer wanting the avoidant ex back) and red-flag recognition.
  • A notable pushback argued avoidants do not understand their own "language," and that the only real fix is competent attachment therapy.