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When Flirting Becomes Creepy...

Channel: HealthyGamerGG
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kJu2P51TF0

Prompted by an introvert told he was "creepy" after a date, Dr K argues creepiness is not about being quiet but is a gut-level threat signal the brain computes from a person's affect and behavior - and once you name its components, most are fixable.

Key points

Creepy is a gut check, not a definition

  • "Creepy" is devastating feedback precisely because it is not actionable: the person usually cannot articulate why, and even pressing them ("what makes me creepy?") reinforces the label.
  • It comes from fast, subconscious signal-processing circuits. Film uses the same triggers (the Joker, No Country for Old Men, clowns); the uncanny valley shows near-human-but-off features read as creepy.
  • Introversion is not the cause. Per Jung's original definition, introversion is about being drained vs energized by people, not shyness or quietness.

The affect features that read as creepy

  • Fixed affect: a non-fluctuating facial expression. Even a frozen smile flips to creepy. Kids escalate (laugh, touch, then cry) to force a neutral-faced adult to react.
  • Flattened/constricted affect: too narrow a range (seen in schizophrenia, late Parkinson's) - no full hearty laugh, no real sadness.
  • Lack of emotional mirroring: not matching the other person's emotion so you seem off their wavelength; parents failing to mirror harms kids' development (fixable later).
  • Incongruent affect: emotion that does not fit the situation (laughing at something grim, or manic happiness - the "get in my van" bit) sets off alarm bells.
  • Responding to internal rather than external stimuli: humans sync to shared external cues (a proposal, a mob); attending to inner stimuli instead (self-dialogue, hallucinations) reads as creepy.

Why anxious/awkward people fall into it

  • "Just relax" matters because over-analyzing ("smile.exe", how much to fluctuate) puts you in your own head - responding to internal stimuli, not mirroring the person.
  • Social anxiety produces the same disconnection: you miss the story's punchline, then fake a delayed laugh. Trying too hard produces amplified, non-genuine affect ("that's the funniest thing ever").
  • Dr K rejects "fake it till you make it" as a fix.

What to actually do

  • Aim for affect that is fluid/fluctuating, full-range, appropriate, and mirroring - pace them (go high when they go high, low when they go low).
  • Evoke a genuine positive memory briefly on the walk up so your smile reaches the eyes (real smile vs the mouth-only creepy one); do not dwell or you slip back into internal stimuli.
  • Be with the person, not chasing an outcome. Wanting to be liked, or over-performing "you deserve the best" (sending back chicken they were fine with), is itself creepy and incongruent. Treat the date as a chance to learn about a human who may or may not be worth liking.
  • Respect boundaries: no hammering texts, no expecting fast replies, no early physical contact, no drunk-calling. Watch when your own emotional needs (reassurance, resolution, soothing loneliness) get dumped onto someone who barely knows you - that clinginess is a core driver of creepiness.

Caveats

  • Consistency matters: many people over time saying it points to you; one person may just have low discomfort tolerance or their own triggers.
  • Narcissism is not the same as creepiness - narcissists are often highly emotionally attuned and good at mirroring.
  • "Creepy" functions socially as an unanswerable trump card for ending contact; sometimes it reflects the other person's scars, not your behavior. So self-examine honestly, but do not assume it is always you.

Reception

  • Overwhelmingly the top comments are jokes that the talk doubles as a how-to-BE-creepy tutorial ("came just in time, every time I try being creepy women think I'm flirting"; "killer advice... for roleplaying the villain in D&D"). One high-liked viewer said it explained why Mark Zuckerberg creeps them out.
  • Several women reframed creepiness as a safety signal: the sense a man is "trying to get something from you" (relationship/sex) and reacting to the desired outcome rather than to you as a person. One widely-liked comment stressed many women feel unsafe with any unfamiliar man and trusting gut feeling can be self-protective, not an insult to introverts.
  • Practical additions drew agreement: go easy on "where do you live / do you live alone" and isolated-location invites (reads as unsafe), do not gush repeatedly about someone's looks, and avoid unblinking eye contact - which several called creepier than being quiet.
  • Recurring theme that introversion is being misused as a crutch; multiple self-described introverts insisted they socialize fine and that shyness is separate. One shared a multi-year self-taught social-skills turnaround as proof it is learnable.
  • Some pushback and hurt: an autistic viewer said the video made them feel awful because their body "naturally does shit people find creepy," and others noted awkwardness or disingenuousness (hiding yourself, sharing nothing) is the real tell, not silence.