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If you want to date an avoidant and actually keep them you have to learn to stay calm when they pull

Channel: Mack Herman
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8s-6CfQ334

Dialogue-format advice on early dating with an avoidant partner: the speaker claims the key is to pace the relationship slowly rather than mirror the avoidant's initial intensity.

Key points

  • When first dating, avoidants go hard on the honeymoon phase because merging fast feels safe and exciting to them.
  • If you don't slow it down, the avoidant treats the honeymoon phase as the relationship itself; once it ends, they may feel the relationship is over.
  • As real intimacy sets in, that same closeness starts to feel threatening, and the avoidant pulls away.
  • Mirroring their early intensity sets up the exact conditions that trigger their later withdrawal.
  • Maintain the bond by not changing your lifestyle: add them onto your existing life rather than making them your whole life.
  • Don't text constantly (text when you can), keep your own friendships and routines, and don't rearrange your life to fit theirs.
  • Mirror their energy but not their intensity; be warm and responsive but not overly available.
  • Build safety through consistency, not closeness: avoidants build trust through consistent action, while you may need consistency through communication.
  • Claimed rule of thumb: healthy relationships run on consistency; you need more communication, they need more consistent actions.
  • Avoidants bond in space; when you are not hyper-available they feel less risk of engulfment and can choose closeness voluntarily.
  • Game plan is "pacing, pacing, pacing": slow down, leave beats between texts, maybe a day between calls.
  • Claim: they will stay as long as they don't feel engulfed and their fears aren't triggered.