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Avoidants Always Use The Same 3 Tests Before They Let You In Emotionally

Channel: Chris Seiter
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBFKlNvlCEI

Seiter claims avoidants run partners through the same three recurring "tests" before opening up, and argues that in early dating this is a red flag to leave rather than a challenge to pass.

Key points

  • Test 1 - the pain gauntlet. Citing psychologist Hal Shorey in Psychology Today on "testing behaviors," he says avoidants withdraw, cancel, criticize, and go cold to see how much you endure. He traces this to inconsistent childhood caregiving and quotes social worker Erica Kazar's "babies need to find their own Caribbean" sailing analogy.
  • Test 2 - the phantom-ex perfection test. Opens with Lenell's viral 2014 Oprah list of 43 ideal-man traits as an analogy. Drawing on the book Attached, he describes the "phantom ex" as a deactivation strategy, and argues avoidants build a composite "Frankenstein" ideal from past partners that no real person can match.
  • Test 3 - the death-wheel repeat. Even if you survive the gauntlet and meet the impossible standard, the avoidant resets the cycle. He claims trust is only earned by surviving the loop many times, by which point the relationship is already worn down.
  • His secret key to all avoidant behavior: ask "will this give me more independence?"
  • He calls the gauntlet "borderline abusive," then says that in early dating (before real commitment) it is simply a red flag; the goal should be a secure outcome, not endurance.

Reception

  • Strongly negative toward avoidant behavior; the top comment notes the irony that the testers are themselves the untrustworthy, hot-and-cold ones.
  • Many call it a no-win situation: leave and you confirm their fear, stay and you license more bad treatment.
  • Several self-identified avoidants comment with apologies and advice to not bother dating them unless they are in therapy.
  • Wide agreement to walk away; multiple reports of 4-7 years "wasted," including one left after a cancer diagnosis.
  • Strong pushback on "borderline" abusive, with commenters insisting it is simply abusive.