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it's coming from a place of mercy, like it's sparing you

Channel: Mack Herman
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHQ8u1FsXkQ

When an avoidant says "it's not you, it's me," they genuinely mean it - what they cannot articulate is that their own wiring makes deep intimacy feel like danger.

Key points

  • Avoidants mean this phrase; they are acknowledging their own pattern, not deflecting blame to spare your feelings.
  • Your consistent care and intimacy made them feel vulnerable and exposed, which their nervous system registered as unsafe.
  • Pulling away rather than leaning in feels like both self-protection and mercy to them.
  • This is their burden to carry, not yours.