Skip to content

This Makes An Avoidant Finally Initiate

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzqwfRBKd7Y

Anber (a therapist and psychology doctoral student, and a former dismissive avoidant herself) explains why avoidants stop initiating contact and gives techniques to coax them into initiating, which she frames as part of their healing.

Key points

  • It is unhealthy for one partner to do all the initiating. Getting an avoidant to initiate a little helps them heal; the goal is roughly equal effort over time, not that they always initiate.
  • Affects both genders. Male avoidants often initiate early then taper off around the six-month mark; female avoidants taper faster or never initiate. Female avoidants are the most passive of all attachment styles, especially dismissive avoidants (she includes her past self).

Why avoidants don't initiate

  • After conflict or a breakup they assume the decision is already made and their effort won't change anything. A fearful avoidant may think "what's the point, they probably don't even like me."
  • Dismissive avoidants often don't grasp that ongoing contact is what keeps the relationship alive. Example: an avoidant who told a woman "we're on for Saturday" a week ago and hasn't spoken since, not realizing she may think she's been ghosted. Their internal expectations never get translated outwardly, so the partner has no idea.
  • Poor emotional coping; they cover emotions and fill time with what she calls "mindless" habits/hobbies (vs secure people who do hobbies out of genuine enjoyment).
  • Fear of vulnerability: fearful avoidants fear rejection; dismissive avoidants fear you'll ask for more than they can give or that they'll be criticized.
  • Comfort in solitude - processing alone is simpler than the "heavy" complexity of a relationship.
  • Fear that continuing to initiate will reveal more about you and confirm they don't want the relationship - something they eventually have to face anyway.

What you can do

  • Reduce criticism. Avoidants are very sensitive to it. Frame requests positively ("I really like when you text me, I'd appreciate a text once a day") instead of "you never text me."
  • Offer praise. Reinforce any effort ("thank you for initiating, I see how much you do for us").
  • For longer relationships (1-2 years+), pair praise with gentle commitment language ("this means so much for our relationship, don't you agree?") since some avoidants stay for years without verbalizing what the commitment means.
  • Provide space - but real, appropriate space, not a performative 3-day no-text rule. Let arguments cool a few hours or days; don't be in constant contact so their autonomy doesn't feel sacrificed.
  • Both partners practice patience.
  • Encourage clear, honest communication about expectations, e.g. "I get that you need space; just tell me when you need it and I'll give it to you."

Note: opinion/clinical-experience content; the "female avoidants are the most passive" claim is presented as the speaker's observation, not cited research.

Reception

  • Comments are dominated by people venting about avoidant partners; overall the room is frustrated and somewhat skeptical that the effort is worth it. Top comment (19 likes): "I just cut off contact with my female DA. The future is looking so bright." One flatly advises "just don't date avoidants."
  • The most-liked story (13 likes) captures the pain: an avoidant who wouldn't confirm plans, ignored her, called any follow-up "pressuring me," and admitted he deliberately delayed texting back "as a test of his emotional control." Several others echo the same "asking how are you gets called pressure / small talk" experience.
  • Recurring theme: avoidants dish out criticism but can't take it, dodge accountability, and treat mutual expectations as attacks. One commenter: female avoidants "fear being ignored," which is why they don't initiate, and take even gentle criticism as an attack on their character.
  • Some pushback on the premise of doing all this work: commenters (echoed by others) argue it is "not our problem to fix," you should speak your truth, love yourself, and let go if they won't heal.
  • A few avoidants and former avoidants comment sympathetically, and some ask the host how to reconnect after a hard conversation caused no-contact.
  • Note: several replies in this thread are romance-scam/spellcaster spam ("Father Asuku Obi... bring back your ex") seeded off a grieving commenter; not genuine viewer sentiment.