why AVOIDANTS MARRY the one who "PUTS UP" WITH THEM

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEB0E5Kz9Uw

The speaker, a therapist, claims dismissive avoidants tend to commit to and stay loyal to the partner who "puts up with" them, because that partner's steadiness reads to the avoidant as proof of unconditional, non-demanding love.

Key points

• Pattern is most common with dismissive avoidants (or fearful-leaning dismissive), not gender-specific; the avoidant often feels "happily married" while the accommodating partner feels their needs went unmet.
• Avoidants define unconditional love as a partner staying as long as the avoidant does not break trust (cheat, yell, hit); they do not register that their stubbornness, rigidity, and difficulty compromising are also hard on a partner.
• Speaker calls avoidants often "selfish, not on purpose," a byproduct of learning young to shut off emotions and be maximally independent.
• The partner who understood them when no one else did, who stayed through bad moods and gave space, makes the avoidant feel understood, which is often enough for them.
• Avoidants see the opposite of "demanding/suffocating" as gentle, kind, and committed to staying rather than "feeling-forward" (quick to give ultimatums or leave); they believe you should not leave a marriage over "little things."
• The core claim: avoidants fear love is conditional/transactional, so a partner who stays while getting little is read as loving them for who they are, not what they can give. Having "tested" this, the avoidant then becomes willing to give fully.
• Advice for those in long-term relationships with an avoidant: accept them but voice your own needs, do not be a doormat, ask directly ("I'm having a bad day too, I need you right now"), set expectations without ultimatums, and let them prove they can meet your needs.