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When an Avoidant Notices You No Longer Adjust to Their Distance

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIP8rcnAHZ0

Therapist Anber Haq describes what happens when you stop overextending to accommodate an avoidant's distance - how to do it without ultimatums or manipulation, and the stages by which the avoidant notices and starts leaning back in.

Key points

  • The setup: With an avoidant, you give your all while their "all" is smaller than your full capacity - they aren't withholding on purpose, they're giving their true, limited version. Anxious (and even secure) partners respond by overextending to smooth things over ("adjusting to their distance"), which over time does nothing or makes it worse. This video is aimed only at people who feel burned out and see no other option, not those already making progress.
  • What stopping looks like (not extreme):
  • Stop over-explaining: say it once instead of repeatedly.
  • Do things on your own as well as with them - a balance. If they refuse a party/gathering, go anyway: "I'm disappointed, but I want to go, and I hope you'll join me next time."
  • Communicate directly what you want without an ultimatum - not "or I'll leave you," just stating the wish because you respect yourself.
  • Express what bothers you without placing blame ("I'm disappointed, I'd hoped you'd show up even briefly") - for your own relief, not to punish them.
  • Tell them you respect their need for independence, which signals you're emotionally regulated and not fighting to change them.
  • The stages the avoidant moves through:
  • At first they don't notice; then it bothers them slightly; then they make subtle comments ("you seem productive," "good that you're seeing friends"). The speaker stresses this is a GOOD sign, not evidence they don't care, even though anxious partners read it as indifference.
  • Next they react by gender: male avoidants tend to call you out ("aren't you going overboard?" / "are you doing this to punish me?"); female FAs (and some males) get subtler - reaching out more, asking what you're doing, "are you mad at me?" This is the sign it's now bothering them.
  • Where to "land it": When they start reaching in, respond directly and unemotionally: e.g. "Every time I bring up how I feel, I get brushed off, so I put my attention elsewhere - next time I have the courage to tell you how I feel, I'd like you to hear me without being defensive." Raise your grievance at this exact moment because it's when they're most inclined to act on it.
  • She repeatedly frames this as speaking the avoidant's language, not manipulation, citing her own past as an avoidant: healing was one of the hardest but best things she ever did, and she now feels free.

Note: the speaker is a practicing therapist and doctoral psychology student, and a self-described formerly-avoidant person; the advice is directed at (largely anxious/empath) partners of avoidants.

Reception

  • Small volume (~36 comments), warm and appreciative. The single most-requested thing: viewers want Anber to make a video about her own avoidant-healing story - several fearful avoidants say hearing it would help them see the whole picture. She replies a book is also in the works but on the back burner.
  • Recurring theme of self-recognition as empaths/caretakers, with commenters validating the "put yourself first" message ("my friend says if I'm more preoccupied with myself, that's more enticing").
  • Some nuance and mild pushback on the scripts: one viewer says the phrase "I'm disappointed" is itself triggering to their avoidant's guilt/shame wounds and they were asked to use different words; another debates whether calling a partner "terrified" of meetups is too alienating.
  • Several poignant comments about loving someone "living in a cage they created," and long limbo/breakup stories (a two-year relationship, a partner who says "I owe you myself") - the thread reads as an audience deep in these dynamics seeking reassurance.
  • Note: the second-highest-liked comment is off-topic affiliate spam plugging an "anxiety quiz," not viewer insight.