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How Avoidants Start Missing The Person They Took For Granted

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DfV-sifRUlE

The speaker claims avoidants take a partner for granted when the partner's main contribution is emotional, because avoidants do not know how to value emotions; framing the same warmth in logical, tangible terms makes the partner harder to take for granted.

Key points

How the taking-for-granted starts

  • The process is gradual, not sudden. Early warmth is partly the avoidant "faking" who they think they should be out of shame; once walls drop, their real, more detached self emerges.
  • Boundaries blur as the non-avoidant overfunctions to pick up slack. The avoidant feels that stepping up or showing emotion equals weakness, so they give less.
  • Avoidants are taught to consistently suppress emotion, so they devalue consistent emotional connection in general; it is not personal to the partner.

Why emotions get devalued

  • Analogy: emotions given to an avoidant are like handing someone 1,000 US dollars in a country that does not recognize the currency (likened to hyperinflation in WWII Germany, which the speaker admits they may be misremembering). The value is real but not tangible to them.
  • If all you bring is emotional warmth, you are easy to take for granted. Adding intellectual or logistical connection (hobbies, finances, politics) makes you more tangible.

When they start missing you

  • After pulling away or a breakup, they realize the traits comforted them but feel too vulnerable to initiate.
  • They test the waters via casual texts, social media, or talking about you to friends, hoping you will reach out first so they do not have to admit they value emotion.
  • You do not have to reach out; you can "invite" by saying you miss them or wish you could reconnect. If you stay silent, they may suppress the feeling, possibly resurfacing years later, but the relationship is largely over.
  • Avoidants especially regret losing an openly loving partner because that partner embodies traits they subconsciously wish they had.

How to prevent it

  • Maintain interdependence: some shared activities, some separate.
  • Communicate to readjust needs, framed logically (example: asking whether a "text me when you get home" rule has started to feel suffocating). Roughly 7 of 10 times the avoidant says it is fine and thanks you for checking.
  • Acknowledge your own mistakes (apologize for overreacting).
  • Ask for acknowledgement of what you do, framed logically ("I've worked on my reactivity, do you notice a difference?"). Tangible gestures like bringing coffee also count.