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AVOIDANTS test you when they LOVE you

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBMGs83o-uk

A therapist's claims about how avoidantly-attached partners (often subconsciously) test a partner to vet whether they are safe to invest in, and how to respond without reacting in ways that push them away.

Key points

  • Avoidant testing differs from anxious testing: anxious testing seeks reassurance for an insecurity; avoidant testing vets whether you are "valuable enough" to commit to and whether you can hurt them. Speaker likens it to applying picky to a job then putting that job on probation.
  • The tests can push partners away, which is part of how avoidants deactivate; the speaker says she dislikes some of these strategies and is not condoning them.

The tests she lists

  • They say no to you to see how you react. The "sweet spot" is when you are disappointed but stay respectful and patient, showing you can manage your own feelings rather than crash out or manipulate. More common in male avoidants. Why avoidants sometimes do things they swore they "never" would: it was partly a test.
  • They watch how you react when away (e.g. a business trip they did not plan as a test). They want to see if you are understanding versus demanding when they cannot control the circumstance. Suggested fix: raise insecurity after the trip, owning it as "me not you" so they stay out of defense.
  • They state a need bluntly/negatively ("I'm not easy, I'm detached, if you can't accept that this won't work"). Really a fearful plea to be accepted as-is; respond by accepting them and reassuring you will tell them if you want to leave.
  • They open up about something to see if you judge them. Includes blunt statements like "I don't enjoy your cooking" or bedroom criticism ("I can't stay present because you seem insecure of your body"). They want a grounded conversation, not damage control or being pushed off. Noted as more common in older couples.
  • They take longer to answer messages to see if you respect it or blow up their phone. Speaker calls this unhealthy and not condoned; suggested response is to give space but still check in once calmly.
  • They give feedback/constructive criticism (e.g. "your friends may think you're coming across too much") to see if you take it well or get defensive and deny it.

  • They share an insecurity (e.g. an overbearing dad) to see if you support them or side against them. Validating and taking their side builds trust.

  • Throughout, the recommended response is the same: stay grounded and non-reactive, state your feelings with managed tone, and own your own insecurity, because avoidants cannot process your point if flooded by your reaction.