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Therapist explains: THIS means AVOIDANT doesn't LOVE you

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzRoeBJkgbo

The speaker lists signs that a dismissive (or dismissive-leaning fearful) avoidant partner does not actually love you, contrasting each with how an avoidant who does love you behaves. Stresses these are generalizations, not diagnostic.

Key points

  • Avoidant vs fearful avoidant: dismissive avoidants stay detached but can warm up slowly; fearful avoidants run hot and cold from the start, tend to have more volatile pasts, and are more often manipulative or controlling.
  • An avoidant who loves you is good at acts-of-service gestures and shows up when you need them. Warning sign: they only reach out when they want a favor and vanish when you need them (possibly using you).
  • Big apology gestures (e.g. buying flowers) without honesty or real change are worse than an avoidant who openly says they hurt you or that they do not want to change. Gestures alone aim to win you back without nurturing the relationship.
  • Not noticing or pretending not to see that they hurt you: the speaker claims avoidants are normally very attuned to a close partner's moods (a childhood survival habit), so insensitivity signals you are not seen as deeply important.
  • Lack of respect for the relationship (flirting, cheating) can be a subconscious way to push you away.
  • No effort at all, especially after years: avoidants who care do change, slowly and subtly, so zero effort suggests they do not care if it ends, or are not even avoidant and simply do not like you.
  • Relationship that started fast with intimacy, promises, and early commitment then collapsed. An avoidant who loves you charms early but avoids committing up front; quick commitment that then dies down suggests using you.
  • You feel you know your partner less than when you started. An avoidant who loves you, you understand better over time even without much romance.
  • You are the only one who tries to communicate or fight for the relationship. A loving avoidant attempts communication even if poorly; one who does not love you makes no attempt at all.