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How to Make an Avoidant Chase You (Without Playing Games)

Channel: Alexis Friedlander - The Avoidant Therapist
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fp9C0orMOgU

The therapist argues you re-attract an avoidant ex not through tactics but by becoming genuinely secure and independent: stop chasing, build your own full life, and match their pace so you become a magnet rather than a pursuer.

Key points

  • Avoidants fear closeness as a loss of independence; that does not mean the attraction or feelings are gone, only that intimacy felt overwhelming.
  • Anxious and avoidant pair up because they complement each other (one craves closeness, the other space); healthy relationships use each other's strengths instead of fixating on the weakness.
  • Chasing, clinging, and neediness trigger the withdrawal cycle; the only reliable "strategy" is genuine self-security and emotional self-sufficiency.
  • Prioritize your own life (hobbies, friends, growth) for your own sake; an attractive life makes you attractive, and "if you're at home only watching my videos, you won't be super attractive."
  • Match their energy and communication pace; do not escalate (one text for one text), and keep early interactions light and activity-based, not deep emotional talks, to build dopamine/oxytocin without drama.
  • Sets a 3-month (max 3-6) window: do your work, but require them to meet you halfway; if after that there is nothing, let go (framed as a win and self-respect, not giving up).
  • "Letting go" is possible only once you have built secure working models; sometimes brief no contact helps create space, but it is case-by-case.

Reception

  • Heavily critical of the advice itself: the top comment (188 likes) calls avoidants selfish and says "you'll always have to be the bigger person," and many argue the method just caters to and enables the avoidant's cycle.
  • A common objection, stated sharply: "So you're telling anxious people to develop a secure attachment style while the avoidant keeps being an avoidant. Got it." Several warn you will be left holding the bag once it gets serious.
  • "Avoid the avoidant" / "who has time for that" recurs; multiple commenters say the real advice is to heal, forgive, and find someone emotionally available.
  • The host replies in-thread defending the framing, e.g. listing his 4 steps (recognize the pattern, work on your insecurities, assess their change, then move on or reconcile only if they invest) and conceding it only works "if they do the work."
  • Scattered grief posts about 5-year relationships ending, plus pointed anecdotes (an avoidant who only wanted to stay home and skipped the anniversary) used as evidence the dynamic is unsustainable.