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how AVOIDANTS TEST you before PICKING you

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNeqLB4-CZA

The speaker claims avoidants (mostly dismissive or fearful avoidant) subconsciously "test" or vet a partner for compatibility, trust, and commitment before committing, and lists five behaviors they watch for. She frames these as things they observe rather than situations they deliberately engineer.

Key points

  • These are mostly things avoidants watch for, not traps they set; deliberately staging them is called manipulative. The testing is usually subconscious and is part of why avoidants take so long to commit.

  • Reaction to criticism: They say something negative about you ("you seem manipulative," "you're overreacting") and watch whether you stay calm and take some accountability versus get defensive and deflect ("it's because you're avoidant/distant"). This signals whether the relationship feels safe to them.

  • Saying one thing, doing another: You ask for a break or give space, then text right away wanting back in (or send long upset messages two hours later). Avoidants read this as games and untrustworthy. The speaker says fearful avoidants do this themselves out of abandonment fear, not strategy. Recoverable by apologizing and noting change is not linear.

  • Failing to deescalate: When the avoidant gets triggered and lashes out (claimed more common with avoidant men, who say things they do not mean), they watch whether you escalate back. If every emotion of theirs sparks an emotion in you, they conclude they have no room for their own feelings. The fix offered: stay quiet, let them ramble, do not take it personally.

  • Independence: They watch whether you drop plans, want to stay over constantly, or insert yourself into their trips and friend hangouts. Decreasing independence can make them feel suffocated, so they test whether you will pull back when prompted.

  • Behavior in bed: Claimed more common with male avoidants and female partners. They read being loud or animated as needy, try-hard, and as self-worth tied to performance. Presented as the most "triggering" point and stated as a recurring theme from her caseload.