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THIS means AVOIDANT is ATTACHED to you

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRSMOZ3DJsw

The speaker, a therapist, claims avoidant partners deny being attached, so anxious/fearful partners wrongly conclude no attachment exists; she lists behaviors she says signal an avoidant actually is attached.

Key points

  • Avoidants are in denial about attachment ("I don't get attached," "I don't need anybody"), and anxious or fearful-avoidant partners then doubt themselves and believe the avoidant's defenses over reality.
  • They expect you to change agreed behaviors quickly and take a lapse personally; they won't change unless they see you change first, because they fear being the only one investing and fear the relationship failing.
  • They get disappointed more easily once attached. Example: looking forward to promised cupcakes and being let down. Wanting something and risking disappointment is vulnerable for an avoidant, so allowing that feeling signals attachment and trust.
  • They get attached to comfort and consistency, not excitement: your cooking, texts, calls, routines become part of their structured life. Avoidants are described as very structured and choosy ("once they pick you, you're the one"); leaning-dismissive fearful avoidants are said to be the most structured.
  • More care can surface controlling behavior in both fearful and dismissive avoidants; disappointment is not always control, though.
  • They become more talkative and expressive, sharing work, books, and hobbies (cards, coins, guitars, jerseys, reading) they were ashamed of, trusting you won't make them give them up, which she frames as commitment. Caveat: attached dismissive-avoidant men may dominate or talk over the partner.
  • They ask for specific forms of connection (e.g. requesting more cuddling) and do things in areas you like to show care.
  • They sleep more easily with you in bed, more common in fearful avoidants, who she says often have insomnia or a complex relationship with sleep.
  • They talk things out rather than sweeping them under the rug, including relationship issues; raising what's on their mind signals they now treat the relationship as shared.
  • They are more willing to compromise, which she stresses is the biggest sign since avoidants resist giving up power or space.