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5 Brutally Honest Truths For Someone Trying To Make An Avoidant Obsess

Channel: Chris Seiter
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaCULcqSYG0

Five claimed lessons from 12 years coaching people to win back avoidant exes; the throughline is that backing off (giving up, no contact, dating others) paradoxically draws an avoidant back.

Key points

  • Giving up is the smartest move. Citing "Free to Attach" and "Attached" (p.125), he claims avoidants only long for an ex once that person is unavailable and out of contact, so authentically letting go can be what brings them back; it cannot be faked.
  • Go for a "no," not a "yes." Avoidants suffer decision fatigue, so reframe requests so the agreement is a "no" ("Would you be opposed to talking about last night?"); cites Chris Voss that saying no makes a person feel safe.
  • No contact lowers your cortisol, not just makes them miss you. Post-breakup the stress hormone spikes; staying in contact (including social media) keeps it elevated. Cites an Australian article quoting a "Dr. Lee" that cortisol normally resets in 3-4 hours but chronic elevation can take up to 6 months.
  • Three "death wheels," one per insecure style. Dismissive avoidants feel regret only after their separation elation fades (core wound: lost independence); anxious-preoccupied smother and push partners away (he claims 47% of his clients are anxious vs 6% of their exes); fearful-avoidants oscillate with a "missing pendulum." All are avoiding pain, so the goal is making them feel safe, not more loved.
  • Dating after a breakup is one of the best moves. Of 37 success-story interviews, he claims roughly 49% mention either the ex dating someone new (33%) or the avoidant fearing it (16%). He argues it works not through jealousy but by interrupting the avoidant's fantasy that you are still waiting in place.

Reception

  • Largely skeptical and move-on minded; several say the healthiest response to an avoidant is to walk away and date secure people instead.
  • Top comments include one who gave up and no longer wants him back, and one who says discovering a partner's avoidant patterns made them instantly unattractive (framing a strong early lean-in as a red flag).
  • Some reframe the avoidant/non-avoidant chase as just a one-sided toxic relationship dressed up in jargon.
  • A few value his message that you cannot change people and are responsible for your own happiness.
  • One pushes back on the fifth truth, arguing you should heal before dating again rather than jump straight in.