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Avoidants Attach Faster When You Do THIS

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgopFC7HMbA

Host Anber Haq (therapist and psychology doctoral student) argues that avoidants do attach, just slowly, and that you speed it up by staying grounded in yourself rather than shrinking into anxiety - be confident, communicate directly, and stop absorbing their triggers.

Key points

  • Talk about what you are confident in. An avoidant was attracted to your passion and confidence before you got attached to them. Anxiety over their confusing behavior makes you self-abandon and lose that side of yourself; keep pursuing your interests (her example: cooking) in front of and with them. It reduces your anxiety and makes them more aware of the love they typically already feel.
  • Communicate directly - about what you want and in general. Avoidants notice and are attracted to direct communication (her example: firmly telling a store cashier "no" to a credit-card signup). State wants openly while staying non-demanding: "I would like if we could balance time between your hobbies and us. What do you think?" - not the accusatory "you care more about your hobbies than me." Avoidants over-invest in hobbies to self-regulate, so this is a common friction point.
  • Stop making excuses for their neglect. Giving benefit of the doubt is fine, but do not use their trauma (e.g. a fearful avoidant who was cheated on and now fears intimacy) to talk yourself out of your own needs. Acknowledge the reality to yourself and to them while still compromising: "I understand you have been through a lot, but I still want to see progress. What can I do?" Excuses hurt both of you and do not help the relationship.
  • Do not let their triggers waver your perspective. When triggered they may push hard ("I don't want a relationship, I don't even like you that much") then act loving the next day. That behavior is not okay, but the point is: believe what you see, not the trigger. Trust yourself. Do not pick up their issues on top of your own or confuse yourself by denying what the relationship actually is.
  • Keep your own opinions. Many people dating avoidants gradually let the avoidant's opinions on everything - food, finance, general views - take over their own. Hold onto your own perspectives.
  • Do things together that require less talking. Chess, basketball, phone games - shared low-pressure activity builds connection without the strain of constant conversation.

Note: The video leans on the anxious/avoidant/fearful-avoidant/dismissive-avoidant attachment framework; the host's claims are practitioner opinion, no studies cited.

Reception

  • Small comment count (42) but warm and grateful; the host is active in the thread, and one commenter jokes she should rename the channel "The Avoidant Whisperer."
  • Several viewers say her direct-communication modeling resonates ("If everyone would communicate like you do, we wouldn't have issues"); others report her videos helped them reconnect with hobbies and creativity after years of only feeling through relationship pain.
  • The most-relatable pain point echoed the video's "stop making excuses" section: a DA who insisted "we're just friends" despite acting otherwise, then accused the commenter of pushing him away - drawing replies urging people to hold their dignity and stop playing the no-labels game.
  • Some pushback/nuance: one commenter says she does not lose herself but genuinely wants to experience her partner's world, and the real issue is that with an avoidant it becomes lopsided rather than reciprocal.
  • Practical follow-up requests recurred: how to tell an avoidant they are avoidant, and what questions to ask a fearful avoidant to build depth. The host confirms she and her partner still use these techniques themselves.