Skip to content

Therapist explains: THIS is how AVOIDANTS TEST before FALLING IN LOVE

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4yrHUYWQZc

The speaker, a therapist, claims avoidants run mostly subconscious "tests" before committing because they are afraid to give their love until they feel safe; she repeatedly stresses these tests are not healthy.

Key points

  • Framing: avoidants withhold love to feel safe, but this makes their tests unfair and inaccurate since the partner is reacting to a pressured environment; the avoidant is asking the partner to risk first. Tests are described as subconscious, not deliberate.
  • "Not ready for a relationship" - saying this (or "I'll never want a relationship") early is a test to take pressure off and see if you stay and accept them. She claims avoidants usually dislike the label, not the commitment/exclusivity itself.
  • Judging others - they watch how you treat waitresses, workers, bosses; kindness signals it is safe to show their flawed, less-polished self. She rates this one okay.
  • Need for external validation - they check social media (followers, posts, reading comments); they fear they cannot meet a partner's validation needs, so the partner may seek it elsewhere and be disloyal. They want self-worth from an internal source.
  • Reaction to a boundary / "no" - more common with avoidant men; do you crash out, insult, compare to an ex, threaten to leave when they decline a trip or party. Accepting the boundary makes them more likely to lower walls and become flexible.
  • Accepting their need for space - space is non-negotiable for regulation; if you cannot give it, they conclude the relationship cannot function.
  • General supportiveness - e.g. letting them play cards late with friends without texting repeatedly or expecting a set return time.
  • Level-headedness in arguments - the test she calls the biggest precursor to falling in love: not screaming, ultimatums, throwing things, or storming out; treating the relationship as more important than winning the argument.
  • Communicating without expecting immediate change - e.g. they want New Year's alone "this year"; you state your view directly, not from hurt or anger, and respect it without demanding they change, signaling equality (avoidants dislike holding all the cards).