Did the avoidant ex even love me?

Channel: Coach Ryan
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVDYmyzGF2A

The speaker argues that a dismissive avoidant ex's feelings were real but limited, explaining via brain chemistry why they often go all in early and then withdraw around the six-month mark.

Key points

• Answer to "did they love me" for a dismissive/fearful avoidant: complicated, both yes and no.
• A dismissive avoidant can feel love and empathy (it is not a personality disorder) but may have a limited capacity to fully feel it compared to a secure or emotionally available person.
• The speaker attributes this to consistent childhood emotional neglect: feelings shot down or reprimanded, so they learned to suppress and "put on a happy face."
• Dopamine vs oxytocin model: they are said to ride the early dopamine (reward/feel-good) wave; because they were deprived of oxytocin (the bonding hormone) as children, they have limited capacity to oxytocin-bond as adults.
• As dopamine wanes around six months, there is no oxytocin to sustain the bond, so what they felt is described as infatuation rather than deep committed love.
• That same point is when their fears get triggered: emotional intimacy, disagreement, and expectations all activate childhood wounds.
• When triggered, they suppress remaining feelings, detach, and externalize blame onto the partner to avoid self-reflection and an underlying wound of shame (feeling defective or unlovable).
• Their walls block oxytocin bonding, so they may not bond as deeply as the partner does.
• This capacity can be grown through therapy and new behaviors, but only if they want it; it also involves their choices and character.
• Reassurance to the viewer: the discard reflects their insecurities and limited capacity, not your worth; it was real for you and, in their mind, real for them too.

Note: the dopamine/oxytocin mechanism is presented as established science but no studies are cited.