Skip to content

the ONE thing that makes AVOIDANTS choose YOU over ANYONE ELSE

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IoP1HOfibgk

The speaker claims the single trait that most makes an avoidant commit to you is how well you regulate your own emotions, and that avoidants quietly test this across recurring relationship scenarios before deciding the relationship is worth disrupting their valued solitude.

Key points

  • Avoidants take a long time to commit; they observe how you handle situations to judge whether the relationship is "worth it," not because they fear love but because they guard their solitude.
  • When they disappoint you (e.g. canceling plans): dysregulated looks like yelling, name-calling, begging them to change, repeated calls. Regulated looks like processing your own feelings first, deciding whether a conversation is warranted (one-time vs recurring), raising it at a low-stress time, and stating feelings to "translate" them rather than to force change.
  • When they ask you to change: dysregulated is denial and defensiveness ("I'm not needy, you're just distant"). Regulated is staying composed, hearing them out, naming your defensiveness while still being willing to adjust.
  • When they change for you: dysregulated is demanding change at high frequency, constantly seeking reassurance, polling friends or AI on whether the change is real, or withdrawing to test them. Regulated is cautious optimism: still watching and verifying, but not seeking overbearing reassurance.
  • When they are slow to change: dysregulated repeatedly re-raises the issue, catastrophizes, or (if fearful avoidant) plans an exit. Regulated accepts change is non-linear, that you cannot force it now, and that you can handle it either way.
  • During a disagreement: dysregulated is silent treatment, jumping to conclusions, distrusting offered reassurance, believing the fight ends the relationship, playing control games, name-calling. Regulated is apologizing only for your own part, not interrupting, calm tone, owning your reactions.
  • Caveat the speaker repeats: dysregulation does not make you a bad person; avoidants make mistakes too, and a relationship works if both are willing.