5 Things Avoidants Do That'll Never Make Sense To You¶

Seiter explains five avoidant behaviors that baffle partners, arguing each one makes internal sense as self-protection from emotional pain.

Key points¶

1. How fast they move on: using the "avoidant death wheel," he says avoidants skip the grief stages (7 and 8) by jumping into a new relationship to dodge introspection. The paradox: unresolved baggage means the new relationship repeats the same collapse. He flags this dynamic as his own theory with no research behind it.
2. The unspoken agenda: avoidants make decisions silently to avoid conflict (staying quiet on plans, preferences, boundaries), which ironically creates the confusion, mistrust, and conflict they were trying to prevent.
3. They don't have the tools: drawing on a Reddit comment and an interview with LCSW Erica Kazar (her sailboat-in-the-Atlantic vs. Caribbean analogy), he argues avoidants were never taught they are allowed to express needs, so withdrawal is incapacity, not deliberate distancing.
4. They hurt but don't know why: combining doors 2 and 3, avoidants suppress and misread their own hurt, sometimes taking months or years to process it, deepening a quiet rift.
5. Pseudo-intimacy (called the most important): tied to a "magician's outfit" persona (compared to Jung's persona/facade), avoidants offer surface-level closeness while hiding their true self. Maintaining the facade is exhausting, which he says explains the hot-and-cold push-pull.

Largely critical and venting; top comments call DA cowardice "catastrophically destructive" and say avoidants are damaged and deserve no compassion.
Strong "trust your instincts and leave / block them" sentiment, with several describing the hot-cold cycle as draining.
Notable disagreement among self-identified avoidants, some defending themselves ("not selfish for the pleasure of it") while others admit causing pain and working on it.
A detailed, highly upvoted comment distinguished fearful avoidants (struggle with consistency over time) from dismissive avoidants (struggle with depth).
Several singled out the pseudo-intimacy section as the part that most matched their experience.