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What happens during no contact in the head of an avoidant

Channel: Alexis Friedlander - The Avoidant Therapist
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KzWfqvnSQj8

The therapist explains "deactivating strategies" and why no contact helps after a breakup with an avoidant, then pivots to a basic CBT-style method for becoming more securely attached yourself.

Key points

  • Avoidants use "deactivating strategies" to shut down attachment when they feel dependency, invasion of their space, or pressure to commit or open up emotionally.
  • After a breakup, the instinct to flood them with love, explanations, and messages ("catching a falling knife") only makes things worse by reinforcing the overwhelm.
  • No contact works because it does the opposite: it gives them the space they crave, diffuses post-breakup tension, and recalibrates the dynamic; it is even more necessary with an avoidant than with a secure or anxious ex.
  • Success odds depend on the history and feelings shared and on what you do after the breakup, not on the attachment label itself; pushes back on "avoidants don't care / can't love."
  • The real goal is becoming secure: build a "relationship inventory," map your thoughts/emotions/actions (CBT), and find more secure alternatives; recommends his colleague's CBT work.
  • Becoming secure lowers your anxiety and depression and, as a side effect, can re-attract the ex (who notices the change); studies are invoked that dating a secure person makes you more secure.
  • Concedes it is okay to break no contact at some stage, but only if you are at peace with any outcome; whether no contact alone is "enough" is "it depends."

Reception

  • Bleakly skeptical and largely anti-reconciliation: the top comment (217 likes) hopes avoidants get lonely enough to be forced into adult conversations, and another reframes no contact as "a strategy for you to move on," not to win them back.
  • Strong consensus that the burden is misplaced: commenters object to telling an anxious person with "normal companionship needs" to become more secure while the avoidant does nothing, insisting the avoidant owes ~95% of the work and therapy.
  • Many call the whole topic hopeless or a waste of time ("life is short, find someone capable of loving you back"); several long testimonials describe becoming anxious/reactive only after dating an avoidant.
  • A self-identified avoidant in serious therapy pleads not to be vilified, drawing sympathy; a few defend that no contact is genuine care, not manipulation.
  • One very long, highly-liked rant rejects the "secure means stay silent while they misbehave" model outright, calling the therapist framing a cover that lets avoidants stray; the host (a "Frenchie") is thanked by some for quality content.