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They leave when it's hard and come back when it's safe

Channel: Mack Herman
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQf7aYnx77w

Avoidants come back not because they've grown, but because your silence made them feel safe from accountability -- and healing doesn't make you available, it makes you discerning.

Key points

  • They return when they think the coast is clear: you stopped calling, stopped needing answers, so they mistake your silence for peace and forgiveness.
  • They avoided while you did the real work -- crying, questioning, rebuilding -- and now circle back expecting the distance to have softened you.
  • You stopped reaching out because you realized they would never own the damage, not because you were over it.
  • Before letting them back in, ask: are they returning to repair it or just to reset? If they're still allergic to accountability, the outcome is already known.