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Signs an Avoidant is Waiting on You to Reach Out

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8Bs3IS_TVI

Anber (therapist, Guided Awareness) argues that avoidants who miss an ex rarely reach out directly; instead they "open the door slightly" and breadcrumb, hoping you walk through it, and she catalogs the signs that this is happening.

Key points

  • Core dynamic: the avoidant misses you but that feeling competes with their need for independence, so they suppress it, fail, and get "relief" by reaching out indirectly. Usually subconscious - they don't realize they're doing it. Analogy: someone very hungry who resists eating, then nibbles a little, which reawakens the hunger and makes them want more.
  • Eventually the indirect reaching-out either builds into a full reconnect or they shut down and wait for you to make the move.

Signs (not in any order):

  • They wait for you to initiate. A bare "hey" with nothing else, expecting you to build the conversation. If you just say "hey" back it can shut off; "hey, how are you?" helps them warm up and feel safe.
  • They stay in your orbit. Watch your stories within minutes, react to posts, revisit old posts, post a song only you would recognize as "your song" (she says this is extremely common), talk to your friends or their friends, keep tabs on your life, sometimes stay close to and ask your parents about you.
  • They check in emotionally. "Has work been stressing you out? Are you doing okay?" - initiating, but not saying "let's get back together," leaving you to make the bigger move.
  • They bring up the past. Fearful avoidants say both negative and positive things ("she was too much," "always trying to control me"); dismissive avoidants stay neutral or positive. Her claim: the fact you take up so much of their mind means they're still attached, because an avoidant who doesn't care simply won't waste time on you. Directly with you they may resurface old jokes or shared memories; fearful avoidants may pick random fights as a clumsy attempt to repair. They rarely say "I miss you" even though they do.
  • They hint at regret without apologizing. "I didn't handle things the best," "I wish we'd done things differently," "do you ever think about..." - never fully admitting the breakup failed. She calls this the best opportunity to lean in; an opener like "I made some mistakes too, why don't we try again?" can work.
  • Their friends warm toward you - more communicative, ask how you're doing, casually drop mentions of your ex. Not a setup; the ex just talks about you so much it's on the friends' minds. A less common flip: friends are hostile (more likely with fearful avoidants), which signals the person is grieving poorly, not that there's no chance.
  • They ask about your future plans (staying in the area, changing jobs) - probing how they might still fit into your life.
  • Takeaway: if you see these signs and you're open to it, try making the next move - they may reconnect.

Reception

  • Mixed, with a strong vein of exhaustion and skepticism. The single most-liked comment bluntly calls avoidants "broken" and advises backing away and wishing them well; several others agree they "need therapy," while some pushed back that anxious people are broken too and that childhood neglect explains but doesn't excuse the behavior.
  • Recurring warning: this breadcrumbing looks identical to narcissist/dark-triad "digital baiting and hoovering," and you can't tell intent apart unless you know the person well ("one can't handle direct communication, one manipulates for an outcome").
  • Many shared their own version of the song sign - exes reposting regret songs on TikTok, playing pointed lyrics on birthdays, using music to "express feelings" during no-contact.
  • Frustration that breadcrumbs don't feel like being missed: "Having random breadcrumb texts doesn't show you that you are missed... it's like if they say it they lose themselves." Several said they've stopped fixing it for the avoidant and are moving on.
  • A self-identified avoidant commenter confirmed the pattern from the inside: said "I miss you" freely as friends but never once in the relationship, admitting emotions feel like "a weakness, a vulnerability, and embarrassing."
  • Some dissent on the channel itself ("why is every video about avoidants?"; "this really isn't helpful, it's just describing breadcrumbing - set boundaries instead"). Note: the comments also contain obvious spiritual-caster/"get your ex back" scam replies (Father Ife Odum), which are bot-spam, not viewer sentiment.