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this MOTIVATES AVOIDANT to FINALLY change... ! ! !

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QX-hmG92it4

The speaker, a therapist, claims avoidants resist change because to them changing equals "I was never accepted for who I was," so they only change once they feel accepted; she gives three scenarios that motivate it.

Key points

  • Avoidants equate being asked to change with not having been accepted originally, so they resist change unless they first feel accepted. Sometimes they change anyway, not wanting to, simply because they'd rather change than lose something valuable, and then warm to it.
  • 1. They genuinely value the relationship. Avoidant perfectionism (seen in both dismissive and fearful types) extends to the relationship: once it feels comforting and low-conflict, they want to perfect it like they would a car or lawn. Compared to "behavioral activation" (a technique used with depression/ADHD), where one positive act spurs more. They make compromises to keep the good flow and want to become a better person.
  • 2. They see a still-present partner growing frustrated. Common in couples therapy. When a respectful partner stays, voices frustration in a healthy way ("I'm frustrated but I care and want to make it work") rather than attacking or leaving, the avoidant feels loved and fears they have failed the relationship. Avoidants are very sensitive to feeling like a failure, so this guilt motivates them to fix major issues (example given: lack of intimacy in the bedroom).
  • 3. The partner tries to see things from the avoidant's perspective. When an avoidant says something like "I don't like relationship labels," it sounds like a boundary but is actually an emotional check to confirm they are accepted as-is. A partner who accepts that ("I'd like a label but I understand it isn't important to you, and it doesn't mean you care less") models reciprocity; feeling unpressured, the avoidant becomes more willing to hear the partner's side and give in return.