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top 4 LIES about AVOIDANTS most of you believe!

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qi2-qoqZ7Hk

A therapist who works mainly with dismissive and fearful-avoidant clients argues that four common beliefs about avoidants are usually wrong, and that holding them keeps people from understanding or healing their relationships.

Key points

  • Lie 1: they left because they loved you too much. The speaker says avoidants generally do not value love as highly as secure or anxious people, so leaving is usually driven by other factors: a trigger, or the sense it "wasn't going to work." Avoidants treat barriers (different cultures, being co-workers, different upbringing) as deal-breakers because they hold a maladaptive belief, rooted in neglect and suppressed feelings, that relationships should not require much work.
  • A negative or volatile atmosphere also pushes avoidants out; many were taught to use positivity as avoidance ("show a brave face"). New pressures (pregnancy, moving, finances) can make even a recently married avoidant feel the relationship is "doomed" and want to run, mistaking deactivation for a real verdict.
  • Lie 2: avoidants cheat to sabotage the relationship. Many avoidants never cheat. When they do, the speaker says the general cause (per research and her patients) is unmet needs, often from not recognizing or articulating those needs, rather than deliberate sabotage. Assuming sabotage means you treat the wrong problem and either stay too long or fail to heal together.
  • Lie 3: avoidants leave as soon as the relationship gets real. Partly true, but the real trigger is rising pressure and expectations (seeing each other more, move-in timelines, marriage), not realness itself. Spacing out steps and lowering expectations makes love less overwhelming, so a loving relationship is possible if you adjust expectations, the partner leans in, or you accept incompatibility.
  • Lie 4: the solution for an upset avoidant is always to give space. Avoidants are human; sometimes they want to talk it out or just move on from a topic while still texting, dating, and coming over. Defaulting to space when it is not wanted wastes connection. The fix is to ask directly what they need.