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Deflection & avoidance, avoidants tell on themselves in many ways

Channel: Mack Herman
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QxXBhcxEHS0

When an avoidant says "you deserve better" or "I can't give you what you want," they are telling on themselves -- it is self-protection disguised as selflessness.

Key points

  • Avoidants struggle with intimacy, not attraction; closeness triggers fears of inadequacy, shame, and engulfment.
  • All such phrases translate to the same thing: I feel like I am not enough, I do not want to be exposed for it, and retreating feels like a safer exit.
  • They believe what they are saying, but it is not a selfless act -- choosing their comfort over giving clarity is deflection.
  • If they return, it is not because they suddenly feel capable or ready; it is because distance made them feel safe again.