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long term EFFECTS of being with an AVOIDANT

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1dmgcQb8ZA

A therapist's claims about how long-term partnership with an avoidant changes you over time, split by whether the avoidant stays unhealed versus heals.

Key points

Four signs of whether an avoidant will heal

  • Progress vs no progress: even tiny progress (apologizing, more self-aware of your feelings) signals they may heal; some avoidants show none.
  • Honesty vs lying: those who admit faults and are blunt tend to change; passive-aggressive deflectors ("ever think you're the problem?") fear conflict more than they value boundaries.
  • Negative view of opposite sex: "all men lie" (absolute) signals unlikely to heal; "a lot of men lie" (neutral, a crack open to being heard) signals more potential.
  • Accepting fault vs blaming everyone else: blamers (more common in older clients, 50s-70s) are less likely to change.

If the partner stays unhealed

  • You become more anxious, hypervigilant, suspicious; anxiety is harder to heal.
  • You question your self-worth and start believing you are unlovable rather than seeing the relationship as the problem.
  • If you lean anxious/fearful-avoidant, you grow more jealous and paranoid (example: driving to a partner's workplace to check on them), which makes them pull away further.
  • You become bitter, resentful, angry, and find it hard to forgive.
  • You may take anger out on kids, creating a cycle where children become avoidant too; an anxious/preoccupied parent may single out the child who resembles the avoidant ex.
  • Others see your partner as personable in public and cannot see the private imbalance, deepening your isolation.
  • You try everything to make it work (highlighting books, hint-videos, changing your looks and preferences) to the point of feeling foolish.
  • You may seek attention in ways you never would (faking jealousy, claiming someone hit on you) to provoke a reaction.

If the partner is healing or healed

  • You gain a positive outlook that people do change, because you and your partner have.
  • You feel grateful and appreciative, including of each other's quirks, and don't want to change the relationship's foundation.
  • You notice the little things matter (partner remembering your birthday unprompted) as signs of love.
  • You feel loved by their visible effort, feel safe and secure, and are no longer afraid of their triggers (they pass).
  • You may feel annoyed reflecting on how much you had to sacrifice to get there versus a secure person.
  • You feel more confident (avoidants who love you build you up, e.g. complimenting your intelligence), aren't afraid to speak your mind, and feel the relationship is more equal and balanced over time.
  • You realize you share the same goals (both want the fight to end), letting you compromise.