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Avoidants Start Missing You When They Realize This Truth

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Se-3zznF2o4

A therapist argues that avoidants start missing you the moment they realize the truth they denied all along: they like themselves and their life better when you are in it. She then lists ways to leverage that window to reconcile or reconnect.

Key points

The core truth

  • The realization that makes an avoidant miss you: they like who they are, and like their life, better when you are in it. That is the whole claim.
  • Missing you eventually becomes more uncomfortable than loving you. Since avoidants avoid discomfort, being back with you hurts less than missing you - so this is the highest-chance window both to reconcile and for them to heal.

Two types take loss differently

  • Fearful avoidants feel the breakup sooner (they are familiar with extreme emotions and more aware of the denial), but do more unhealthy things to suppress it: jump into a new relationship, pick up an out-of-character hobby, reach out then go quiet.
  • Dismissive avoidants look completely fine, then it slowly chips away until they have "no structure left." They come back later than fearful avoidants but tend to be more serious about it.
  • The speaker notes a chunk of the recording cut out and that she is filming while sick, so the video is less structured than usual.

If you are apart / broken up - how to leverage the window

  • State that you are open to reconciling when either of you reaches out. Mentioning it once (not repeatedly) gives them an easy exit from the uncomfortable missing.
  • Admit a specific wrong out loud - not self-blame or over-apologizing, just naming something you regret ("I think I made a mistake on that, that was my fault"). This removes a painful emotion (guilt, hurt) they had attached to you, so being back with you feels easier than missing you.
  • Process your own grief on your terms, even faster than they do. You speak with more confidence and clarity, and you are less triggered when they return - which makes them feel safe to come back.
  • If you are in low contact after a fight, offer a concrete compromise and check in. Avoidants in low contact often pull further away because the pain is attached to you and they cannot locate its source; naming it and offering a way to get closer lets them take it.
  • She claims that in her caseload avoidants almost always return - she cannot recall a case where they did not - while adding that you may not always want them back, which is valid.

If you are still together - build connection via tangible benefits

  • Describe the relationship in terms of tangible, non-romantic benefits tied to shared values: aligned political views, finances (real estate vs stocks), knowledge exchange, improved basketball skills, a smooth chore split. Emotional benefits confuse avoidants; tangible ones let them lean in without feeling their autonomy is threatened.
  • Offer compromises where both grow - e.g. if holidays make them uncomfortable, propose a small private celebration on a different day (Thanksgiving on the Saturday).
  • Share knowledge together (history, social/career intel about a mutual boss) to bond.
  • Do activities without intense verbal exchange (basketball, cards, a walk) so they feel safe bonding when they are feeling detached.

Note: presented as clinical experience; the "avoidants almost always come back" claim is anecdotal from her practice, with no studies cited.

Reception

  • Comments are heavy and personal, split between hope and weary skepticism. The single most-pressed question: do avoidants really come back if THEY were not the one who left / initiated no contact? (The host replies it is less likely but does happen.)
  • A strong pushback thread rejects the blanket "avoidants always come back" premise: several say theirs has been gone 3-5 months, seems "perfectly fine," has already replaced them, or is too proud/ashamed to return. One asks at what point you accept that "missing someone and being willing to face them are two completely different things for an avoidant."
  • A recurring frustration: why does the leaver have to be the one to reach out when the avoidant "messed up"? One high-liked commenter set a "let me know when you can treat me with respect" boundary and refuses to break it first.
  • Others confirm the cycle from experience - partners who break no-contact every 2 to 9 months, some for years, repeating the pattern after a bit of catching up; advice traded is to keep regulating your emotions and not put your life on pause.
  • Two self-identified avoidant women give rare insider views: they keep exes/options "on the back burner" for years as a safety net, and describe ghosting or cheating as ways to prove to themselves the relationship "isn't as serious as it is." One still felt love for an ex 25 years later.
  • Several long, raw stories of indirect avoidant behavior (finding out about milestones via social media, being blindsided by shipped-back belongings, a new partner posted soon after) plus many well-wishes for the host being sick.
  • The host is highly engaged in the thread, answering questions at length - including a detailed 11-point DA-vs-FA childhood-origin checklist for a commenter unsure of their own attachment style.