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They chase hard in the beginning, make promises, then disappear when it gets real

Channel: Mack Herman
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TMSpjyUwcoM

When an avoidant chases hard at the start and then pulls away once you match their energy, it is not about you -- their fears of closeness grow louder the more real the relationship becomes.

Key points

  • Avoidants chase in the fantasy stage when connection feels possible and safe; they convince themselves "this time will be different."
  • Once the partner catches up and matches their level, the avoidant's fears ("What if I lose myself? What if I get hurt?") override the desire and they pull back.
  • Common exit lines: "I can't give you what you need" or "I don't want to do this anymore" -- the reasons avoid naming their own fear.
  • They don't pull away because of who the partner became; they run from what's inside themselves and need significant healing and accountability to break the pattern.