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what HAPPENS when YOU Stop TALKING to AVOIDANT

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfPC2a9atDc

The speaker, a therapist, lays out four emotional stages a dismissive (or dismissive-leaning fearful) avoidant supposedly moves through after contact stops, ending in indirect and then direct attempts to reconnect.

Key points

  • Stage 1 - relief and false freedom: They feel back in control and equate relationships with loss of autonomy. They revert to the narrative "I'm not meant to have anybody," reinforced by parents who taught that needing others or showing emotion is weakness. Relief is even stronger when you ended it, since they avoid the conflict of initiating a breakup. Looking happy and "never needed you" is not proof they never cared; it is their limiting beliefs (a maladaptive strategy) at work.
  • Stage 2 - reflection and comparison: They try to fit back into their old self but realize they have changed because of you. They notice your absence, wonder why you left, whether it was their fault, and replay things you asked for (e.g. more initiative, more romance). Often fought with denial.
  • Stage 3 - numbing and denial: Feelings flood in and they reach for numbing strategies (substance use, overeating, other maladaptive coping) rather than processing. Claim: avoidants prefer numbing over releasing emotion, which is why replacement strategies like exercise or walking fail until they first accept the feelings.
  • Stage 4 - feelings break through, indirect then direct reach-out: Loss and love are too powerful to numb, so they keep tabs: watching your social media, asking friends, talking about you (sometimes positively). Reaching out to them during this window can work, though it may take days. If you do nothing, they often reach out themselves, frequently framed as just friendship out of fear you will leave again if it turns romantic.
  • Suggested response if they reach out for friendship: state you want a romantic relationship, say you have adjusted things and ask if they have too, to make them feel secure while confirming both have done some healing.