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This Is Why Avoidants Fall Apart After You Walk Away

Channel: SELF(ish)
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPhbbzDmUls

Attachment coach Amy reassures anxiously attached viewers that a dismissive-avoidant ex who looks "fine" after a breakup is actually numbing rather than coping, and reframes the loss in the viewer's favor.

Key points

  • Speaks from a seven-year on-and-off relationship with a dismissive-avoidant partner and from coaching both anxious and avoidant clients.
  • Beliefs like "I never mattered," "I'm unlovable," "they didn't want me" keep you stuck and are not true.
  • The avoidant breakup cycle: first relief (freedom, no pressure or conflict), which is a defense mechanism; they justify the breakup to themselves ("we weren't compatible"); then numbing via gaming, smoking, overeating, drinking. This is why they look fine and may rebound quickly.
  • Avoidants delay the grieving process, so they often reappear months later, just as the anxious attacher has healed.
  • The viewer was meeting most of the avoidant's needs and abandoning themselves to keep proximity; this pattern usually traces to childhood people-pleasing to avoid abandonment.
  • Reframe "I lost them" to "they lost me": the avoidant was getting comfort, devotion, and unconditional love, so they are losing more. The viewer is an asset to a relationship.
  • Anxious attachers would make excellent partners if they acted from love and openness rather than fear.
  • Practical advice: go no contact if possible (without self-judgment if you slip), stop monitoring the ex, and redirect the energy, love, and care you gave them toward yourself.
  • Assess the relationship objectively: how were they actually showing up, and would you be happy in five years if nothing changed? Your worth does not depend on that person.