Skip to content

The Unseen Stages Your Ex Endures During No Contact

Channel: Chris Seiter
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUilq7RkVuE

Seiter argues there is no one-size-fits-all set of no-contact stages, because dismissive avoidant (DA) and fearful avoidant (FA) exes behave very differently. He maps a five-stage progression for each, citing a poll where 67% of clients believed their ex was DA and 20% FA.

Key points

  • Insecure attachment sits on a spectrum: avoidant traits on one side, anxious on the other. A DA stays avoidant under conflict; an FA swings between avoidant and anxious.

Dismissive avoidant stages

  • Stage 1, separation elation: relief and a sense of regained independence and identity; little distress. Can last 6-8 weeks, so an entire no-contact period may sit inside this stage.
  • Stage 2, feelings begin to surface: they briefly process the breakup, then take higher initiative to suppress it again.
  • Stage 3, resuppression: stages 1-3 are in constant flux, feelings bubbling up and being pushed back down.
  • Stage 4, moving on: the avoidant side wins out; they enter the "avoidant death wheel," seeking someone similar to you, and the cycle repeats.
  • Stage 5, nostalgia: per the book Free to Attach, avoidants long for an ex only once that person is unavailable and out of context, switching from fear of engulfment to fear of abandonment. They feel safe to miss you when left alone and when the dating pool looks worse than what they had.

Fearful avoidant stages

  • Stage 1, complete shutdown: deactivates harder than a DA at first, often via drinking, dating, and sleeping around; Seiter links this to childhood trauma (citing therapist Dr. Tyler Ramsay).
  • Stage 2, feelings surface: recovers quickly due to the anxious-avoidant oscillation; distance shifts them from emotional reaction to logic.
  • Stage 3, the pendulum swings: the signature FA stage, mixed signals that feel like dating "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde."
  • Stage 4, attempt to move on: guilt and a "not good enough" core wound, reinforced by partners; anxious pursuit can backfire and push them to distance permanently.
  • Stage 5, phantom ex / nostalgia loop: idealizes the ex but stays avoidant; nostalgia alone rarely brings them back. They chase similar partners and apply an unrealistic, effort-free standard of perfection.

Reception

  • Largely engaged and affirming; many self-identified avoidants said the descriptions were accurate, and one FA reported being 98 days into no contact and recovering well.
  • A strong counter-theme urged viewers to stop analyzing the ex and focus on their own healing and becoming secure, calling fixation a way to keep the ex "rent free" in your head.
  • Several commenters were openly hostile to avoidants, calling them undateable or even narcissistic and advising people to avoid them entirely.
  • An FA pushed back on Seiter's framing, saying the core wound is less about independence and more about vulnerability and the belief that connection itself is dangerous.
  • Some questioned the premise that exes never return, with a few noting from experience that exes do come back if given space.
  • Seiter replied in the thread confirming FAs carry both core wounds and previewing an upcoming therapist interview on the childhood-trauma angle.