Skip to content

Avoidants Don't Move On Easily - Here Is Why

Channel: Alexis Friedlander - The Avoidant Therapist
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQR4_U8JRTA

The therapist argues the calm, unbothered exterior of an avoidant ex is a mask: internally they struggle just as much, often more slowly, and what looks like "moving on easily" is suppression. He stresses assessing whether they will actually do the work before investing more.

Key points

  • Being avoidant is itself an insecure, maladaptive coping style, not an enviable one; avoidants can fall in love but carry chronic dissatisfaction ("I wish it was different").
  • Repeatedly urges assessing whether the ex is willing to question themselves and get help; if not, "you are simply wasting your time."
  • Emotional suppression: the composed exterior is bottled-up feeling, not resilience; suppressed emotions explode later and prolong their healing.
  • The Phantom Ex (a concept he credits to the book Attached): once the pressure of commitment is removed, the avoidant forgets the annoyances and idealizes the lost partner; what is left is the good parts plus you.
  • Self-reliance misconception: refusing to seek help or talk prolongs their grief, because they cannot heal alone.
  • Repressed attachment needs: the need for a primary attachment figure can be suppressed but never eliminated, so loneliness and longing resurface; rebounds usually fail to match the prior connection.
  • Cognitive dissonance / hot-and-cold: they want closeness but fear it, producing mixed signals; the work is creating a safe, consistent space while assessing investment.
  • Closes by reframing the question from "how do I get my ex back" to "what do I actually want," and warns that doing the work alone risks simply repeating the pattern if the ex never changes.

Reception

  • The top comment (328 likes) sets the tone: "My ex wife was DA... I never felt more alone than when I was with her. I will never be involved with a DA ever again."
  • Overwhelmingly a "gave him/her chance after chance, nothing changed, left after becoming secure" chorus; many report cheating, grudges, and one-sidedness as the reason they walked.
  • The "are avoidants evil?" debate recurs - several argue self-serving behavior that knowingly harms is functionally evil, while a minority insist avoidants have deep, slow-opening emotions and are not malicious.
  • A few earnest holdouts describe still loving an avoidant and hoping for return; the host replies to many, including longer reflective notes urging them to assess the pattern "from the outside, not the inside where emotions distort reality."
  • Repeated advice that avoidants should date each other and leave secure/anxious people alone.