why AVOIDANTS are PASSIVE aggressive

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpFWWUpNUwQ

The speaker (a therapist) claims avoidants (and anxious-preoccupied) use passive aggression because they have a negative view of expressing emotion directly, and offers four root causes plus scripted ways a partner can respond.

Key points

• Passive aggression is framed as unhealthy and as a potential precursor to overt aggression, since it sits on top of bottled-up shame and resentment; it should not be tolerated long-term in a relationship.
• General response strategy: reflect back what you heard, remove blame, keep it brief, and invite direct communication ("I can't fix something if I don't know"). Avoidants reportedly respond better to logical, non-blaming framing because they were taught to view feelings through a logical rather than emotional lens.

Four claimed causes

• Social / family norms: messages like "don't cry, be strong, don't show emotions" make direct vulnerability feel unsafe or shameful, so frustration leaks out indirectly. Early in relationships it signals they don't yet trust you or expect acceptance.
• Fear of conflict: sarcasm, silent treatment, or backhanded comments let them express displeasure without an overt fight. Suggested reframe: conflict is normal and small disagreements now prevent big blowouts later.
• Emotional unawareness / insecurity: lacking practice in emotional literacy, they genuinely think they are being direct; their passive-aggressive comment was their best attempt. Reflect it back so they can correct you.
• Fear of not being heard: they assume a direct request (e.g. wanting less time together) will make you "crash out," so they hint instead ("I wish I could watch TV but you're here"). Name the underlying message and reassure them you welcome directness.
• A fifth, "common" cause: they simply modeled passive aggression from an unhealthy family system and don't recognize it as unhealthy.