Therapist explains: THIS opens AVOIDANT up to DEEP CONNECTION with you¶

The speaker, a therapist, names four things a partner can do to help a dismissive or fearful avoidant feel safe enough to want a deep connection.

Key points¶

Be considerate of their need to warm up. Showing up too intense early on (going "100 or 120") bumps into the avoidant's wound that they are not good at relationships; the imbalance makes them shut down, create exit strategies, or pull back on texting. Dial it back to 80/70/60 at first, then slowly build up so trust forms. This is being considerate, not letting them call the shots.
Be aware your way is not the only way. If your partner is avoidant, you are likely also insecurely attached with your own trauma. Meet in the middle: e.g. on intimacy, state your need but accommodate their need for low pressure and a specific time, and ask what would make it easier. Try their approach, let them try yours; without compromise there is no deep connection.
Peace. Aim for a high ratio of good moments to conflicts. The speaker likes 10-to-1 for secure couples but suggests 20-to-1 for avoidants (severe cases up to 50-to-1): many calm happy moments to one conflict-resolution-focused disagreement, not a blowout fight.
Shared memories. Avoidants believe they are meant to be alone; low-key relaxed shared experiences (a walk, ice cream, basketball, watching football, cooking together) plant in their subconscious that the relationship is safe and worth opening up to.